We have all felt it. The desperation of living without one simple thing. One little emotion that could make each and every persons world a better place. The sinking feeling in your chest. The butterfly affect.
The first time I ever felt real Love was when I gave birth to my first child. There was nothing like it. Just thinking about it feels me with an unexplained fullness. The second, third, and fourth sweet bundles, gave me that exact same feeling. It is the best love to date. With that being said, there is something about the love of a partner. Someone that we can face this world with, without it feeling so, alone.
I have covered the best feeling in the world. Now for the worst.
Unfortunately I have placed myself in the arms of some very self loathing individuals, that in return ,shared their punishment on themselves with me. Between drugs, alcohol, and adultery, there was no end to their own selves soul mutilation. In the past, I thought that it was just what I deserved. It was a punishment for being so easy to trust. Punishment for being quick to let myself belong to them. I never respected myself as a young person. I was never taught to do so. When I was placed on a pedestal, if even for a moment, then I was in love. I ran from anything good, because in the beginning, I never believed good existed. If it was too good to be true, than it was just that. After awhile, I just learned each and every person in this world was in it for themselves. There were not good people who wanted the best for one another…….Only living for what they could get for themselves. No lie was too big, No amount of respect was too small.
For fifteen years, between two marriages, I was lost. I became a broken individual that wanted so desperately to find someone I could relate with. I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone that could understand me, and could relate with who I was, what I have gone through. The desire was great, to really be loved for who I was, the good and the bad, and not what I could give them. I feared that I would never be accepted because of my family situation, and the past I had paved all by myself. I wanted better, but knowing I didn’t deserve it. I just wanted respect. I wanted honesty, I wanted trust. I wanted communication. I wanted a, Best Friend………
When you walk out of something that you vowed to stick with, for better or for worse, you feel like a failure. In all honestly I have to say, that would be the truth. I failed. I failed God. I failed my children. I took an oath that I walked away from. How does that now lead people to perceive me? That my word is no good? That I give up too easily? How does that show my children how to live? When things get too hard, leave? Does it show them that their mother is dishonest? All these things, and more ran through my mind when I was leaving the marriages, that I desperately tried so hard to make work. I became depressed on the occasions when I seen that my efforts were lost. I stuck around for quite some time after I had given up in my heart. That is when the depression grew. So many terrible things go through the mind of an individual that feels they are worthless. Especially if you have your spouse hovering over you telling you so. I had to get out. I had to run from this exhausting place.
These men in my life, felt the need to bring me down. That way I would never leave, because I didn’t deserve any more than I was getting. I can not even type the words that was said to me, because I do not want to be taken back to that place. I realized after it was all said and done, how I actually failed my children. It was not when I walked away from my vows. It was when I took those vows to begin with. I put myself in a situation that I should have never been in. I said “Yes” to people that deep in my soul I was saying “No” to. I failed when I stayed in a relationship that taught my children that it is okay to be disrespected. I would never allow my children to disrespect me, so why on earth did I allow a man to do so. The desperation of wanting to be loved. Needing a void filled that I never received growing up.
When the latest marriage failed, I was at the end of the rope. Living with my alcoholic father, for the second time, with my children under other roofs. There was just no other way. I done what I felt was best for them at the time, and that was to be somewhere safe, and without reaping the repercussions of my actions. Just thinking of that time in my life brings me to tears. But I would do it again, if need be, because that was the best thing. Luckily my desperation was seen even when I was ignoring it. A friend, my actual only friend, offered me her home. At first it was just for a week, while she was out of town, but then turned into another week, so we could catch up, which turned into a year, and so on. My heart is just overwhelmed thinking of how much she put herself out for me and the kids. It was the only way that I could be with all of them again. As much as I hated for her to help me, it is one of the things I am most grateful for in my life. At that time I was falling deeper into a place of no return. I was socializing with people that were only bringing me down. They were making it okay for me to become less than what was intended for me. I hate to think this, but there is a possibility I would still be in that empty place if not for him.
He popped up just in the nick of time. After a media friend request, and a few weeks of waiting, he finally replied. To him it was a complete shock to hear from me. A friend that had been lost for over 15 years. A friend that would have bent over backwards to save me from my self destruction if given half the chance. A Friend. At this time I am still in a dead end relationship with someone that was nothing but bad for me. I was continuing the pattern of wanting to be loved by the wrong people. He, My friend, opened my eyes to that fact. Not by being negative, but by making me feel worthy of so much more. He would lift me up every day , through social media messages, texts, calls, and even visits. He helped me when I was saddened by my failure as a parent. He brought a Christmas tree over with ornaments, so that my children might have some sort of holiday. He stepped in and made sure that my financial situation did not stop me from giving them something for Christmas.The way that he done this, was left money on the front porch so that I could not reject his gift, and also making it a birthday gift, so that it was my decision to do with as I seen fit. He never asked for anything in return.
I have never had someone care so much for me and the lives that I brought into this world. I have never felt the overwhelming care, that radiated from this mans heart. But……He was just too good. Ya know, that too good to be true type of thing? It was playing over and over in the back of my mind. To be honest, That was definitely him, too good to be true. But I had one thing going for me. I had the past. I knew him years before. He was the same exact person he was then. Kind, honest, genuine. Living for others. Living to do good, and give God the Glory. So……I chanced it. And just in the nick of time.
As I said, I was dating someone, and he had left the state. He had to take care of a drug habit, that I had no idea about at the time. I told him that I was no longer waiting on him to figure out what he wanted, and I was moving on, and then…….he came home. He tormented me with the reassurance of knowing what he wanted now. Sharing with me, the reason he left was because he had to get clean. I can not lie, I really cared for this person. But he had never shown me anything that my friend had. He had never showed me that I was the most important thing in this world. No one had. I was now, in a dream. I was not giving this up. I was happy.
Five years later, and here we are. This man has gladly taken over the role of step dad to three of my children and the baby that came from my last marriage in his heart, his daughter. It has been three years since her natural father acknowledged her, and before that it was every two to six months. There has not been a day in five years that I have not felt the overwhelming blessing that this man brings to the table. He was my best guy friend 20 years ago, and he is the same today. I know, no matter what I tell him I have done or not done, he would love me just the same. He is here to walk with me in this world, and not ahead of me. He respects me, he never has lied to me, he does not want more for himself than for me. The four children that I myself brought into this world come first over anything. That right there, is a way to a mothers heart. When a man can whole heartily accept another mans children. When he sees them as children and not offspring of a past love. I will never be able to share all the good of this man. There is just way too much. I have not one bad thing to say about him. Not one. I know we all can come up with things that drive us nuts, that our partners do. At one time, the things that would drive me nuts about him, he leaves the shower curtain open; He leaves the jar to the q-tips off; His feet stink; He splatters water on the bathroom mirror. But when you find someone who brings so much good to the table, you gladly accept the things that would normally make you irritated. When you have lived in a life of hell for so long, it is incredibly easy to overlook the petty when someone adores and loves you in the way I have been shown on a daily basis. All we want in life, other than our children to healthy and happy, would be to have our best friend by our side. Someone that would walk through fire and brimstone for us. Someone that respects and honors us. I had to wait 33 years for mine. A very long wait……….A wait well worth it.