Have you ever written a blog and hit one button on accident and BAM, everything is gone. My husband taught me how to recover things, but did I use it before I tried to find it in my drafts…Nope! I had just typed out this whole Tell All about my desperately terrible childhood. Something that I have been fighting myself with sharing for quite sometime. 15 years to be exact. I suppose it was a way of something showing me, it was way to personal to share. With that being said, I suppose I will just hold that in for a bit longer.
Maybe I will just blog this time on a happier topic.
I am going to take you back a few years to when I was married to my first husband. It was a very short marriage, and the desolation of that marriage was completely and utterly my fault. My husband was a kind man, and loved me. I on the other hand, was a selfish twit, who only thought of herself. I was 20 and wanted to… how would you put it, “experience the world”.…with or without him. During this marriage, he and I made some friends, of course. One of those friends being my, now husband. He was a wonderful person even then. Kind, generous, loving, just all around a good guy. Unfortunately, he and I lost touch after my husband and I divorced, and I married someone else, husband #2. That someone else was a jealous douche, who did not see the point in having male friends. I would have seen his point much better if it had not of been J. He was not the type to approach a woman who was already in a relationship. He and I never even thought of anything like that, then. We were merely friends. Nothing else. Truth be told, I think he was dating my little sister at the time. ( remember, this was nearly 20 years ago)
Anyway, 15 years later, and 3 marriages under my belt, I moved in with a friend. No job, no car, just me and my babies, and our cloths. I heard about this social media site. Well two of them actually. Maybe you have heard of them. MySpace and Facebook. 😉
I started looking up all the people I could think of and befriending them. Of course J was on the top of the list. I found him, sent him a message, and waited. Within a few weeks, at most, I got a reply. We messaged back and forth for a few days, until he invited himself over. I will never forget when he got out of his vehicle it was like stepping back in time. It had been so long since I had seen him, yet seemingly at that moment, nothing had changed. We ordered some pizza, watched some movies, and just hung out. Talked about everyone and everything. We were STILL just friends. I was dating someone at that time, though it was a dead end relationship that was going no where, even so I had no love interest in J., Loved him, but no different than my girlfriends.
We continued our midnight Facebook messages going, he visited often, and text often. There definitely was no chance in losing touch this time. He said he had found me after all of these years, and was not letting go as easily.
It was coming close to Christmas, and I not working. I had four children to be Santa for. Fortunately there other parents were involved, so it was not like they were getting nothing. Except one. My baby, who was two at the time. The friend that I lived with, did not have a Christmas tree to put up. So J out of his own pocket, purchased the kids a Christmas tree. He borrowed the most beautiful ornaments from his mother for us to use. He even gave me the money to buy MY children a gift with. Now, I know what you could be thinking. I fell in love with him because he bought us stuff. You would be right in a way. I did begin having a stronger connection with him. He was my best friend. BUT, it was not the material aspect that pulled me in. It was his heart. He just genuinely loved. He treated my children, whom were nothing to him other than his friends kids, as though they were perfect. My 3rd marriage involved a man who just was not emotionally capable of connecting with children and that is a nice way of putting it. So to have this man, actually want to connect with my children, and finding them deserving of his time, and his money, just made my heart so full.
I had forgotten that people like this existed.
I know this statement will sound terrible of me, but it is what it is…I was very reserved to even have the thought of a relationship between J and I to exist. He was too good. He was a strong believer in God and hung tight to his faith. I cringed at the thought of being with someone that I could be a disappointment to. Though I should have known better, because he had never been one to do so. In the few months that we had hung out, he knew my deepest darkest problems.I even shared with him each and every detail. of my love interest at that time. Such as how this person made me feel on a day to day basis, which was not always good. J never said anything negative. He was always the up-lifter. And he never told me I should not be doing this or that. He was just always supportive. His Actions really did speak volumes.
As I had stated previously, J and my sister did date when they were younger. I approached her once I felt as though he was interested in more than merely a friendship. I found the importance in knowing she would not forever be disgusted with me, or have a bad taste in her mouth over the idea. To my surprise she told me that if a person can find love in this world, then they need to go for it……That was all it took. I let my guard down, and let this man that thought I hung the moon, love me.
I told the person that I was dating at the time, that I was no longer interested in a relationship with him, that I was interested in someone else,. He automatically knew who it was because he knew we were spending time together. As I said in the beginning, it was a relationship going no where. Just killin time. Nevertheless, I felt it the appropriate thing to do, in telling this person I was moving on.
December 31, 2009 , Jason and I decided to be in a relationship. Just Us, and my babies…….
Since then we have become husband and wife. I can not even remotely describe the feeling of whole heartily knowing where you stand with someone. There is no doubt in my mind that he will love me as long as I am living, and then he will love me still. He loves my children as if he made them. He has actually raised my baby girl, who is now 7, since she was 2. He claims her to be his, and she claims him to be hers. It is very special to see them together. Her biological father has not been in the picture for several years. Jason took over, and he will never let go. It makes me love him even more than I thought possible. Just to see him with her.
I love this man with all that I am. I have never loved anyone like this. I do not fear him hurting me. I know with all of my being that he shares the same emotions as I do. When you can look over and just stare at your spouse, without them knowing, and get lost in them, then you have a winner. We never argue. We do not find any reasons to. If I am having a bad day then we figure it out or he just lets me be. If he is having one, I return the favor. We are partners, best friends, soul mates…We have both had disastrous pasts. Which helps us to be thankful for all of this good.
It is a wonderful thing to have such a love. What is not wonderful, is always fearing that it can be taken away at any minute. I fear it so much to the point of constant nightmares of something fatal happening. For five years now, I experience these nightmares at least a few times a week. Some bad, some worse. Either way, I am not quite sure I would make it without him. The idealistic way for him to go, is right beside me when we reach 100. Well, I will be 100.5 seeing that I am 6 months older than he is 😉
My husband loves God first and foremost. I know that is what makes him who he is. He is the type of God fearing Christian that loves and gives that love freely, instead of well I would love them if they done this, or I would love them if they had never done that. It does not matter who you are or what you have done. He is the real deal.
Quick off the subject story: We had taken the kids to Six Flags, and stopped at the store on the way out. A man was standing on the sidewalk at the entrance of this store. This man was an obvious “bum” . When J walked out, he approached the man and gave him some money. When he got back in the car, I said, ” You know he is going to walk right in that store and buy alcohol with that money.” He said, ” If he is an alcoholic, and does not get alcohol, he could die.” We did not know that mans story. He could have just been a lazy person, with all of the resources to be someone productive and refused to do so, or he could have been a War veteran with no family or support. My husband sees the best in people. He blames the worst on evil bringing them down. He believes there is hope for anyone and everyone to accept Jesus, and enter into the Kingdom.
J would proudly give the shirt off of his back, literally , to anyone in need. If we were strapped for cash, and only 20$ to our name, and someone needed our last dollar, it would be theirs. People can ask him to help them do anything in the world, and he would gladly be right there. As long as it is not robbing a bank of course.;-).
I love his heart so very much. Our love is the kind that is few and far between. I suppose that is why I make sure I tell him often, and then some, just how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he seen fit to make me his wife.
For the first time in all my life, I know what Marriage is. I spoke vows, and meant them. I placed a ring on a finger that I would never forsake. Not even the sexiest man alive could turn my head, because my soul belongs to the Love Of My Life.. My husband.