Depression

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This disease is something I know all too well. 

I understand that many do not feel it is a disease, but more or less a weakness, or an excuse. I imagine that thought process is coming from someone who has never experienced it. And maybe it is a weakness, but it is what it is. It is sadness from the depths of our soul that we can not shake just because we want to. 

I have suffered with depression from as far back as I can remember. I would say at least the beginning of my teenage years, if not sooner. 

I was molested as a young child, and I was brought up in a home of hatred, alcoholism, and abuse, mentally and physically.

The depression tag tends to hang on to people who grew up in unstable situations. At least I personally feel this is true. Depression can happen to any single person on this earth. No  matter the race, religion, sex,  etc….It just happens. We become saddened, and that sadness thickens until we are so overwhelmed that we can not get away from it. Sadness so desperate that not the sweetest gesture, or the best looking piece of chocolate cake, can break through. 

The most common causes of Depression are: Hormones, Tragedy, Hereditary, and Brain chemistry. 

Hormones- Thyroid problems and Menopause can be the culprit of a Depressive state.

Tragedy- Very common that when we have a death in the family we become saddened. Some of us have more will power to eventually shake the sadness, and some of us refuse to let go of it. 

Hereditary- This disease is more common in individuals who have a blood relative that has suffered as well. 

Brain Chemistry- People that show brain chemistry being slightly off, also have depressive symptoms. 

So many people suffer with this disease, and a lot of the times it turns deadly because no one knows how to handle it, and there are the ones that do not understand it that poke fun, or call it a joke, which can push someone over the edge if they have come for help. 

I have heard things, and read things, such as, these people who claim to be suffering with depression are “wanting someone to feel sorry for them”, “a pathetic call for help”, “lazy”, “needy”, the list goes on and on. 

In young people between mid teens and mid 20’s, Suicide from Depression, is the second leading cause of death.

This is not an infatuated illness. This is something that causes people to take their own lives. The depression becomes so overwhelming and humiliating that people refuse to seek help. People that do not believe it is an illness, just let their friends deal with their “laziness” on their own, when all they had to do was just listen. Sometimes the listening is enough, because in the beginning, we only want people to attempt to understand. If it keeps going, then we talk ourselves into believing that not only does no one understand, but they simply do not care. 

depression-spiral

I have been depressed on so many occasions, and I still get in a funk from time to time. Thankfully I have a strong person by my side now that would never let me slip too far. But before him, I have been way down deep. So deep that thoughts of the easiest suicide was contemplated. My personal choice was driving my vehicle of of a high embankment. I am not much for pain, so the wrists were a definite NO. hanging….not a chance, pills, not quite enough in my reach that would do the trick. I did not want to take the chance in it NOT being successful. Most importantly,  I thought running my car off of a bluff was a good idea, because people would think it was an accident. No one would ever suspect I was committing suicide. I had a small child at the time. And thinking of him is what snapped me out of my thought process.

I was sitting in my truck, after one of many huge fights with my  husband ( at the time). I was less than a mile from home. I was so upset that I could not even drive. Sitting there with the thought of “not being able to do this anymore”, was just going over and over in my mind.  I was just at the dead end of my rope. I had no one to turn to. I had let go of most family and friends by this point, because I did not want anyone knowing that I was so miserable. And the few people that I did have, I could not bring myself to ask for help, for fear of humiliation.  I suppose that is why I felt so desperate to end my life. As I was sitting there going over the thoughts of how to do so in my mind, I had to do this in such a way that my son would never find out. I could not let him think that I did not love him enough to keep on keeping on.  And that is when it hit me….But I DO love him enough to keep on. He was the only person in my life that I knew loved me the real way. He was only 2, but I knew he loved his mamma. After two and a half hours of sitting on the side of the road, crying and trying to figure out how to end my life, I went home. And the next day, I went to the doctor. 

If it were not for my son, I would not be here. He was my only saving grace.

Some people do not let themselves think about anyone else when they are in that state of mind. The only thinking done is negative.. The depression grabs a hold, and it is like having someone else saying,  “you are not worthy of anything good.”  All the people that are in our lives, do not deserve to have to deal with all of this, they would be better off without you.  So ending it all, seems like the appropriate thing to do. 

I can not explain exactly what grabbed a hold of me that day and tore me away from my terrible thoughts. I am a Christian, so I tend to lean more toward the fact that God had a purpose for me that was yet fulfilled. Whatever it may have been, I am thankful. If I had of ended my life that day, I would not be the mother of four children, and married to the love of my life.

Those episodes, are what causes so many people to lose control and make such a huge mistake. Their lack of feeling worthy, is deadly. Depression is a disease. Believe it or not , it is. It needs to be treated as such. So many people lose their fight against it because they do not feel worthy. But we are worthy. We are worthy of seeing what we can accomplish. The sadness will fade in time. We may or may not need help in that happening, but it will happen. 

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If you feel sad all the time, tell someone. If you feel as though death is a better place for you then think of the people around you that would have to feel what you feel right now if you took your own life. If you are depressed, and you have no one to talk to, go to a hospital, Go to a church, Find someone online. Talk to me…I would feel honored..

Mental Thought : Death will find us soon enough. Too soon, would be a waste of what we could become, who we could help. 

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2 Comments

  1. Hey 🙂 I just wanted to say thanks for writing this. It made me feel not so alone. I feel like ive been through alot of these situations already and im just now fixing to be 18. You’re such an inspiration to me. To hear people talk im bipolar and crazy too but its good to see that someone like you was once told all these things but have turned out to havr a great life and everything. What you were saying about suicide…I’ve been there. At one point the only thing that kept me alive was knowing I had a little human counting on me to be there for her everyday. She is the reason im able to sit here and write this today. I was molested as a child too and grew up around drugs and alcohol also. No matter how much Tracie and mu daddy tried to shield me from stuff like that just as they have with danelle and destiny they weren’t able with me because as you already know, Tracie wasnt mu biologic mom. I have seen and been through things no kid or anyone for that matter should have to go throuth or see. I’ve seen my momma get beat, numerous times and I’ve been around drunks and druggies too. I just hope im able to overcome all of it one day and become as great of a person as you. I love you 🙂

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    • Sweet girl, you will learn the toughest adults have had the hardest childhoods. I know what you have been through..I was there. Tracie and dad were always so upset because she HAD to let you visit with your mother knowing what was going on.Just think, you now can do JUST what I done. Use it as an adult. You know what hurt you, and that is what you can keep away from your own daughter..And things do get better. As you grow, you will gain strength. There are so many people, and especially your age, that deal with this kind of thing. But just think, if they allow death, then they do not allow the chance to for things to get better. I would go through every single miserable moment of my life again, to be where I am today.I am the richest person in the world, yet I have no money………Thank you for the comment. I am so glad that I could touch at least One person. I love you….

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